"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

Thanks, Bri.

And the rest of you guys.

One More Time

Alright guys, I think I'm just about done with Blogger.

My whole little world has been rather drastically altered, and I don't like the way I've been dealing with it.

I really don't wish to sound overly dramatic, but I feel as though certain events in my life recently have been ignored, trivialized and/or even treated as one large joke. At the moment, I really can't handle that anymore, and this whole Blogger thing just reminds me of so many things that I don't wish to be reminded of right now.

I know that many times, I probably was a rather poor friend to each and every one of you. Whether one one occassion or many, I'm certain that I've failed in my duties as a friend on God only knows how many levels.

I'm so very, very sorry.

It seems that, when you're feeling what feels like the worst you've ever been, you see things about yourself that either weren't very clear before, or that you just refused to admit to yourself because you didn't want to believe them.

I'm a selfish person. I think I've probably always known that. At times I can be a very petty person. I've no doubt that many times my personality could be described as "fucking jerk". I've no clue how many times my friends may have said to themselves or each other, "Why the hell won't he just shut up?" I'm a cheap person when it comes to money, with the only possible exception of Val; there was nothing that I wouldn't buy for her or give to her gladly. Though I've always been more than happy to listen to my friends speak of joys or troubles, I could never come up with any sort of helpful advice. I'd always liked to believe that I was a good listener, but deep down, people don't want a listener, they want someone who will listen to them and make them feel better. I always wanted to help my friends feel better, but it seemed nothing I was able to do really ever helped. I'm horrible at giving useful advice. I overthink things too much, causing me to make promises that later I find I can't keep. I lose myself sometimes in competetiveness in what should normally be just some sort of friendly game. I can get very upset over things that seem trivial to most others. I can be told that something is for the best, I can understand why it may be for the best, I can logically rationalize why it may be for the best, but I can't seem to truly accept the inevitable truth and move on. I'm hurt when I see others that can. I've never truly accepted my physical weaknesses. I ignore them, and then am angered by them when they hold me back. I've learned, through bitter experience, to loathe those who tell me what I can and can't do, what I must and must not do, and what will and will not do.

I now feel the time I have left as a young college student slipping through my fingers. Apparently there are things I'm supposed to experience, as a college student, that I have not yet. I was unaware that there was some sort of checklist of life experiences, and also unaware that I've fallen woefully behind. I've also found out that I've held others back from checking items off on that list. Something else to chalk up to my incredible selfishness.

Please, please, I pray to God that you believe me when I say that I'm sorry. If there was some way that I could go back and fix the last five or six years of my life, to correct all of my horrible mistakes, I would. I swear that I would. I do not deserve you people as friends. Looking back on all the thoughtless, selfish, mean things that I've done, whether intentionally or unintentionally... It puts things somewhat into perspective. I am really just not a good person.

I think I can understand now why some of you would rather not have me in your lives anymore. I suppose that I can't say that I blame you. Hell, I'm not even really an interesting person, let alone a decent one.

I suppose I may come back to this page and write once or twice more. I'm sorry if I've neglected any of my friends at any point, whether recently or on some past occassion. At the moment, however, I just have too many painful issues to deal with, and I feel that I'm just not a strong enough person to deal with them all at once and still pretend to be the same Andrew R. White that I was before.

I'm so sorry.